Thursday, December 04, 2008

The Circle Constricts Again.

A gentleman named Dean Barnett wrote:

"As I grew sicker, I had what for me was an extremely comforting insight. I came to view serious and progressive illness as an ever-constricting circle with oneself at the center. The interior of the circle represents the contents of one’s life. As the circle gets smaller, things that were inside get forced out. Some of these things are dearly missed; others that were once thought precious get forced to the exterior and turn out to go surprisingly unlamented."

Dean had Cystic Fibrosis. It claimed his life on October 27, 2008

I wish I had discovered his blog earlier! Now there’s someone who has walked the walk!!

My circle just got smaller. I lost my job on November 19th. I’m really too sick to find another one much less to really work during the day. My job was mostly sitting around waiting for something to break so I could fix it. While waiting, I surfed the ‘Net. Got a lot of reading done but didn’t work very hard.

This was a good thing. Most days, I was too tired to really work anyway. My EF is around 20% but I’m still exhausted most of the time. And getting up at 6:30AM didn’t help at all!

So, I’ve applied for Disability. It could take 2 years or more for a final adjudication. In the meantime, my SO is going to have to kick in to support our household way beyond what he has been. Way more.

I’ve always been very independent. Asking for help, especially financial help is very hard for me to do. Now, that independence is gone.

I knew this would happen eventually. You can’t be this close to dying and still keep working full time like there’s nothing wrong.

At my last cardiologist appointment, he told me that my next hope for any improvement was a breakthrough in new technology. And with the Dimmocrates getting ready to ruin the health care industry, there’s not much hope of that any time soon. Take the profit motive away and innovation will dry up. Why spend all that money to invent something new when you will never see a return on your investment?

So, I guess I just keep going as long as I can.

That’s how I’ve gotten this far: just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

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